When two people who love each other decide to take a sacred vow “till death
do us part”, a part of the commitment involves being loyal and faithful in every way.
In a society such as ours, where the divorce rate is sky high, infidelity plays a major
role and of great concern to all those who are presently married, or those who are
someday hoping to be. In a perfect world, when one person finds his or her other half,
then falls in love and gets married, the two people really represent one “whole”
person. The thought of another person breaking up the “two halves that make a
whole” is not even an issue. Think again, this world is not a great place, and often
enough the most important person in ones life finds some reason to be unfaithful.
Infidelity is a kind of thing that could leave a scar for all eternity.
(1). The questions being researched are the following: to whom does it occur to; who exactly is being unfaithful; and why does it happen so often.
The first conclusive study on the subject was that of a sex researcher Alfred
Kinsley, who in 1953, found that fifty percent of husbands cheated and twenty six
percent of wives cheated by the age of forty (Norment, 148). I guess that’s how life
used to be in 1950’s, therefore throughout the years people drew up a conclusion that
men are the primary cheaters. Our society has always had a stereotypical view about
men and infidelity. These days, according to sex researchers, woman under the age of
forty are just as likely to commit adultery as men, who are under forty (Norment, 148).
In order to understand adultery, I will now discuss the notion of temptation and
resistance. According to French, it is common and quite natural for one to feel temptation
of being unfaithful. He also explains that those who work outside the home, and those who
have an influential relationship with younger people are more likely to get tempted by
infidelity. He adds, “ a person doesn’t deserve credit for being faithful, unless he/she is
tempted by infidelity. If you are so in love that you never feel any attraction to anyone but
your spouse, then lucky you. The idea of resisting temptation must involve wanting to do
something and then not doing it, because you realize you mustn’t.” French goes on to say
that if we really want to do something then we do it, and if we don’t do it, then we really
never wanted to do it in the first place (30).
In my opinion, it is natural to get tempted and feel attracted to other people of the
opposite sex, even if a person is happily married. We’re all human beings, and what do we
have eyes for anyway? However, there’s a fine line between just looking and feeling
attracted and acting on impulse. People should really think about the consequences that
their actions may bring. Before people commit adultery, they should really ask themselves
a question-Is it worth it?
In order to discover solutions to the problem of cheating during marriage, I must
discuss the reasons behind why people cheat . With today’s technology, cheating spouses
have very little fear of getting caught. Pagers, cell phones, voice mail, and e-mail can turn
scaredy-cats into bold cheaters (“Men Cheat” 118). Gender is also and important factor in
an investigation of extra-marital sexuality।
According to an article called “Infidelity, Why men cheat, there’s a list of explanations to why men are unfaithful। And the list goes like this: 1. It is considered that men cheat because their wives let them get away with it. Men wouldn’t cheat their partner didn’t let them. 2. Relationship experts forewarn that if a man cheats on his girlfriend of fiancé, he will most definitely cheat on his wife. Despite the warning, women still marry these men. “Men are well aware that the loneliness some women feel is so strong that they would rather settle for a cheater, and write off his scurrilous ways as “boys will be boys”(“Men Cheat” 118-120). 3. Another reason given for men’s cheating behavior is their frustration over their present relationship. After the novelty of the marriage wares off, some husbands begin to believe that the reality of having a wonderful future together shifts to the actualities of the existence of everyday problems and frustrations. Therefore men cheat to obtain the emotion that is no longer present in the current relationship. 4. Yet another explanation is a man’s need to seek excitement of being with another woman. For these men cheating is an ego boost. And they cheat for an appraisal of their manhood by someone other than the woman they are married to. Cheating then becomes an escape from responsibilities, with hopes to boost self-esteem and self-
worth. These men don’t think of the consequences of their actions. 5. Some men seek
revenge for something his wife did or said, then they decide to get back at her by being
unfaithful. These cheaters assume that their partner won’t find out. But the fact that she will
be hurt by it is satisfaction enough. Once a man begins cheating, it is unlikely that he will
stop (“Men Cheat” 120-122).
I have a friend(2) who just recently got divorced, due to the fact that he was cheating on her. According to her, her husband was a good man and he really loved her. However,
he was the type of a guy who would not and did not resist temptation. He acted on it, and
he did not think that his wife would find out. He was wrong about that one, women are
smarter then that. She caught him with his pants down, literally. She knew that he loved
(2) For literally purposes and for confidentiality, I will disclose my friends’ name.
her, but she could no longer live with the fear of him cheating on her again. She just
stopped trusting him, and when there is no trust in the relationship the relationship becomes
too painful (Personal Interview).
According to Norment, women have different motives for being unfaithful. Women
today, compared to women in the past, are more likely to cheat on their husbands. Among
other reasons, this increase can be related to the fact that women are more likely to work
outside the home, alongside men(148-150). Norment also lists explanations to explain the
motives behind female infidelity. A major reason why women are considered to cheat is for
a boost in self-esteem. Women are emotion seekers; therefore, they sometimes seek an
extra-marital affair to prove to themselves that they are still desirable, and to also feel that
the are loved for who they are, not just because they cook, clean, and look after the
children. A woman is most likely to feel this way if her husband takes her for granted. She
feels used and he shows little interest in her life. Emotional neglect refers to a situation
when a husband doesn’t make time for his wife. His energy is used up, usually from work,
and the relationship loses romance, and sex is often on the run. In such a case, women often
fulfill their loneliness and need for a real relationship by having an affair. Revenge is also
another reason women give for committing adultery. However, women don’t seek revenge
for the same reasons men do. Women claim to seek revenge in retaliation when they
discover that their husbands have been cheating. These women believe that this kind of
revenge is most gratifying when their husbands don’t know about it. Similarly to men,
some women also claim to cheat because they seek excitement. In some cases women want more than their husbands can or are willing to offer. They are tired of the “once a week”
sex life, and monogamy seems to be becoming dull and routine. If an effort is not exerted
to keep sex exciting and thrilling, then perhaps the wife will then decide to get that thrill
elsewhere. Another explanation of female adultery is that women seek seduction and
romance. Many women yearn for the romance they shared when they were dating. In other
cases, women cheat with men who are considered to be their “sugar daddies”. These
women are attracted to men with power, money, and position. A woman gets involved with
this type of man only to be spoiled with gifts and extras that her husband can’t offer. Sexual
deprivation is also a common reason for female infidelity. A husband sometimes tends to
stop responding sexually after a long marriage. As men age, their testosterone levels drop
and they loose the energy they once had. As a result, a man may feel that he’s not a good
lover, and eventually withdraw completely from sex, rather than feel ashamed. Then his
wife becomes trapped in a sexless marriage and she begins to feel that her husband simply
doesn’t want it anymore. For these women, sex with other men makes them feel desirable again (Norment, 148-170).
Sharon Begley also discusses the gender differences of infidelity. She states:
“women tend to view emotional infidelity as more threatening than sexual infidelity, while
men are more upset about sexual infidelity. Sex differences in jealousy are increasingly
being explained as a result of genetic differences.”(58). She goes on to say that these results
have been replicated in many studies and all conclude the same thing. However, the
explanations for these answers differ. Evolutionary psychologists believe that these
instincts originate from our ancestors. They have to do with a human’s natural instinct,
which insures that their own genes will be passed on, and they will have children on their
own. The theory goes on to explain that women fear that their mate will fall in love with
another woman, and that will cause her to lose a potential father of her children, to another
woman. Men fear that if the woman they are with has sex with another man, she is at risk
of becoming pregnant with that man’s baby. As a result, the chance that his genes will be
passed on is much less likely. It can also be interpreted that a women can fear a man’s
emotional bond with another woman more than a sexual bond because she knows that sex
can be just physical, and that he has not necessarily fallen in love with someone else. On
the other hand, a man assumes that if a woman has slept with another man, that she loves
him as well. Therefore a man can take this as a double betrayal (58-59).
The studies, which have been reviewed, indicate that there is a gender difference
concerning sexuality and infidelity. Men and women are as likely to commit adultery, but
for different reasons. Stereotypes include that men are more likely to cheat than women are,
and it’s a part of a man’s biology to be promiscuous. But these days, that statement can be
proven false. The question that I’m left with after combining the knowledge acquired
from reading many research facts is the following: Is infidelity a natural and in some cases
an unavoidable circumstance, or are these impulses for the weak minded?
